Hello! Yes, I’m still alive out here in crazy town. I think of you often I just don’t seem to have a whole lot of time anymore, I probably actually do but I spend it just not doing work but relaxing and doing mundane things that make me happy.
Today I watched a TedTalk, isn’t that always the case, and it made me think. Here is the link for it,
I listened and at some point, I randomly pulled up a memory, a memory I know changed me forever. There were a bunch in my childhood but this one came a wee bit later. I was probably 19 or so. My car had broken down, I called a recent ex, who was my first love in high school, I had a tumultuous relationship with, first love, drugs (him not me), and everything that come with first love and addiction. Wow, that was a long sentence and not structured well. Anyway, back to the broken down car call, I called my ex because I needed to get to work and of course, I wanted him to just see me and say “come back to me”, you know those dreams we have. So he picks me up and drives me to work. I cannot remember what the conversation was outside my work but what I do remember was the last thing he said to me, “I just don’t love you anymore”. It rocked me like nothing ever has, and there has been a lot. The realization that love could be turned off so easily, it can’t but for me, it made me always think that, that at any moment someone can decide you just don’t matter anymore. It changed me, it made me always worry always want to please, always preparing for the inevitable exit of someone I cared for. I was broken, something inside me no longer had that confidence I had before because you can turn love off.
That one little moment has forever made me the person I am. Having that realization has helped in the few minutes I’ve had to take it in. I now have to figure out what to do with that, how to make it not define me anymore. Self-confidence is something I do not seem to have in great supply. Many know this, some think just the opposite-I fake it well. Now the question is what do I do with this knowledge how do I sit with it, council myself, realize that that is not how love works, not real love. It fades, it changes but it doesn’t turn off like a switch. When love dies it isn’t unexpected, it can’t be. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t good enough, it means it’s time to move on, to free yourself of something that no longer serves you or the other person. It is a gift to set someone free from the struggle to hold onto something that cannot be held.
I digress. I need to work on self-confidence, to know my self-worth comes from me, I need to change the story. How? I guess that is the part I struggle with. All of it can be changed, I have to believe this, just the method alludes me. Your thoughts? Ideas?Pick Your Point