Archive for » May, 2013 «

It’s like PMS with Weapons

How Much for Happy

How Much for Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the last few months I’ve for a variety of reasons gone off all kinds of meds. One of which, Celexa, I’m finding may have been a mistake. Originally many years ago I was given Celexa because I started having panic attacks. Then I went off it and it was fine for while then my mom, and dad died and my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. I knew I needed my levels to be more stable and went back on gladly. Along the way I learned many insurance companies do no want new clients on this med and others like it. One wanted me to promise I wouldn’t be going back on it, silly, like I could. At that time I said no I won’t need it again but then life hit.

So anyway I stayed on Celexa a good nine months after my husband died but again I wanted to try it again on my own and again life just wasn’t feeling right. Went back on stayed on and again decided I didn’t need that stuff again. Really need that big thunk on the head, whatever my condition is I don’t remain even keeled. I lose my temper for no reason to the extreme, road rage is not good. I tend to also go very emotional and make rash decisions. So now I’m going to go back to the dr’s get again and ask for my drug back again and hopefully get it through my head this isn’t something that is going to go away for me.

There are things I need to get myself doing which are so hard, exercise being one of those. Nothing has helped me more with the rough edges than exercise but it is the first think I will walk away from. I also isolate myself a lot. I really don’t have any friends that I could call do to stuff with so I just stay in the house and entertain myself. I may not have any friends period, I have acquaintances that I can talk to but I wonder if they would truly think of me as friend. I digress. As you can see the meds might be helpful at this point or not.  Really the only side effect I hate about Celexa, you can can’t take short naps. Right now being completely clear of it I can take what I like to call power naps, ten minutes and I’m good. Celexa makes you take hours sometimes and it’s all jumpy and freakish.

Ok so on the to do list, call Dr. make appt.

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It’s like PMS with Weapons

The Longing For Normal Days

Longing (song)

Recently a friend of mine was going through a rough time. Her mom was fading very quickly with a multitude of ups and downs which is so often the case in end of life journeys. We were talking one day about normal days and how you long for them, that took me back to when my husband was in the last parts of his own journey through the awfulness of lung cancer. There were good days and really bad days. The good days were when it was all status quo,  meds worked, sleep was forthcoming etc.. Bad days were filled with pain, hallucinations, terrified calls to doctors or hospice workers, through all that you dream about “Normal” days. I remember in my head planning normal days with my kids. We would spend the day in bed, with pizza and cuddling…it never happened that would never be a normal day for us but it’s the picture I had in my head.

Well it’s been 7 years and lots of normal days. I love when people ask me “how are you” and “what’s new” and I say “nothing new all quiet”. I appreciate the beauty of no drama, the days when nothing happens but life in it’s normalcy. Most people will never go through the process that makes them long for “normal” days but I hope maybe they take a minute to appreciate life when it’s slow and quiet and not drama filled or filled with too many highs, and not enough lows or vice verse.

Have a great day and just go out and enjoy the beauty of it.

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