I’ve been very stoic about the breakup with my dude a few months ago. I kind of push it off and say it doesn’t bother me, it was my idea, it was time, but the truth is, there is pain. Pain because more than anything I wanted it to work. The worst thing, I miss my friend. Before anything else we were friends, and I knew when we began we were risking that friendship and there it is, gone.
I’m trying to fill up the days with volunteering, crafting, reading etc.. but there are moments when I think I gotta tell him something and then I remember I can’t. It must have been the right decision because after I ended it (very badly…in an email, I knew I couldn’t do it face to face) I never heard from him again.
I’ve been very slowly clearing my home space, trying to chase away all the junk I have here and make some clean spaces, my mind is cluttered and how wonderful it would be if my surroundings weren’t that way too. My brain has been doing some weird things that last month and most of that can be blamed on medication reaction I had but I’ve been off for a week I think and still some weird things are happening. I cannot imagine how one handles the slow onset of Alzheimer disease. I can’t stand not having complete control of what’s happening, which also makes me feel very vulnerable and hence why I’m missing my friend too, he was my protector when he was around. I guess it’s a grief process too, I have some experience with that, the first time though, I had my friend.
Enough, I’m ok. I just have those moments.
I Hurt Myself Today….Not Really