This is a letter I’ve needed to write for a long time, I’ve already apologized for the way I handled things but maybe I could have explained better. I write this knowing you don’t read this blog but I hope it makes it’s way to you some how.
I am so grateful to you for the life you gave for all those years. You came into my life after a terrible thing had happened and you showed me a whole new me. I learned to smile, to laugh, to have butterflies and sweaty palms and all the great things that come with falling and being in love. You took me to places I thought I would never visit. You were up for anything I suggested, I got to can strawberries for the first time thanks to your kitchen…course they weren’t edible, who knew cast iron should not be used to cook strawberry jam. I got to go on your arm to high school reunions, I was so proud and so much more.
Things started to happen, accidents, suddenly you were so much busier, and soon we just started hurting each other, not speaking like people in love but people trying to hurt each other…it wasn’t one sided we both were guilty. There were habits I could not accept any longer and I found I wanted more than you could give – I wasn’t even aware it was what I wanted until it just was on my mind constantly. Yes I know I am can be a bitch like no other and the more I hurt the more I wanted to give it away. I would have given anything to have made all of that disappear. Suddenly driving home one night I realized how alone I was in a relationship. I wanted to come home to you not talk talk talk. I felt that if I didn’t get out the hurt would turn to hate for one or both of us so I chose to leave while there was love instead of hate.
The way I chose to end things was awful but I knew it was the only way I could do it. I could never hurt you that way while looking in your eyes. It was incredibly cruel and rude and I can’t imagine how it effected you, but please know I had to.
As you said a few weeks ago several times, you’ve moved on, I do know what that implies and I am happy for you. I look around my house and I am constantly reminded of all you did for and gave me. I can only hope to find someone as generous and kind. I have always wanted for you to be happy way back to the 8th. Some how I hope someday we can at least go back to being friends, I miss hearing about your life but I probably forfeited this forever.
Be happy. I wish you everything I couldn’t be and then some.
Sorry for boring the rest of you but it helped to write it out.
A Thank You But Not an Apology