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Why Get Out of Bed

10931303_10153036425538630_4992521187872609201_nI woke up this morning and laid in bed. I couldn’t for the life of me think of a reason to get out of bed(Giraffe finally got me up, long story). I have nothing to look forward to, all I do is work. I can’t have a normal conversation because all there is is work and my kids. Work and kids are great but it doesn’t maintain a long conversation or in-depth except if I get on my soapbox about work or kids. Would you want to sit down with that? I wouldn’t.

This week has been so hard. I had to testify for hours and a mom lost her two kids, she’s lost 4 altogether. It was the right decision but it will never ever feel good. In the long run I will focus back to the kids, they are never out of my thoughts, but as a mom you can’t help but put yourself in that position and honestly I can’t I can only imagine how that must feel. Parents love their kids, they just don’t always do it right.

Busy week to look forward to I guess. Almost every day and night is booked. Mostly work stuff 🙂  Some good training to look forward to…for work. Where does a single woman go to meet people all alone. Yes there is church but I don’t find that to be a great place for match making. It doesn’t help that most of the time I have absolutely no interest in relationships. I just need a companion to call to do things with, I do not want any kind of serious thing. It holds absolutely no interest to me. I did something stupid and I know I did what I did because of my serious lack of self worth or not to hurt someones feelings – this would be the second time in a year.

I got so angry with myself, which is  good thing. I’m so not happy with my body, and there is only 2 things I can do. Exercise and eat right. Trying yet again. Always after trial I am full of the urge to control things like exercise, food, house.

Food Musings: Short grain brown rice…cook it long enough and it’s like custard. Why do I buy walnuts their taste is obnoxious, or at least the ones from the grocery store. Pecans are the way to go. To me pecans taste like maple syrup.

That is all, have a wonderful day!

Why Get Out of Bed

Why Does Christmas Suck So Bad or Make Me Feel So Sad

maxresdefaultI want to like Christmas but I can’t. Christmas depresses me. Why? I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s not the people missing from my life, it’s not being single with no prospects…ever, it’s not missing friends who have other things to do. What is it? Money! When you have children you want to shower them with things they want AND need. When you have no money you cannot do that, it’s very disheartening and fills me with a sense off shame. Yes Yes I know Christmas isn’t about giving gifts, wrong, that is what it is for our children and yes my children are both quite a bit older but they are my children. Sure we could teach them to only expect one or two but I don’t want to. I want to be that mom that can go all out and make it great. I didn’t even decorate the house with all my little Christmas things, why bother?  I know shame on me. 

I’m sad and depressed. I want so much more for my children. I found out yesterday, I make, or don’t make enough,  that I actually qualify for welfare. I’ll admit it. That also doesn’t help. My career choice I would not change. I cannot make anymore than I do because we cannot afford it at our center, that is the plain truth. I’ve lost my joy though, I feel like all there are are brick walls and no lifelines. My house is literally falling apart and I can do absolutely nothing about it, I’m sure my neighbors must hate me.

I need to pull it together and put on my big girl panties. This too shall pass….well it won’t pass but I will have to just get over it. It’s difficult, I’m one of those people that wants to fix everything, to do good for all, to make a difference that sets me up for a fall every day. I cannot donate anymore of my time but I need to use the time I have to work on me, to make myself the project that I fix and do good for. Sigh. Oh great now I’m thinking about New Years Resolutions….I’m going back to bed and covering my head with the covers, do not wake until Spring!

But seriously I know a LOT of people are depressed this time of year for so many reasons. You are not alone, please don’t ever think you are, call me, text me, private message me, we can talk each other down.

Why Does Christmas Suck So Bad or Make Me Feel So Sad
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