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Hit with a Whammy

depressionSometimes, out of the blue, my depression will ramp up when normally it’s controlled quite well by medication. I don’t know if it’s the change in time and the darkness, or the time of the year, or always struggling just to survive with very little income and a house falling apart around me, but it’s full-on bad right now. When I wake up in the morning I usually am very happy to start my day, but lately, it’s like I have no purpose, no reason to not just stay in bed and sleep. Not good.

How to fix it? I have no clue – I need to find something to be excited about. It can be the littlest thing but it gets my serotonin or whatever it is ramped back up. My surroundings depress me and overwhelm me. My job feels like I’m swimming in jello jigglers (that really thick jello, for the uninformed). My life is full of meaningful things but I can’t seem to grasp them right now. omg, I’m depressing myself more just reading this. This is what depression is, in case you’ve never encountered it. It’s not the blues it’s thicker and more clingy and it wraps you up and doesn’t want to let you out.

I will fight the good fight, this too will pass.

Hit with a Whammy
Category: Personal Stuff  Tags:  2 Comments

Why Get Out of Bed

10931303_10153036425538630_4992521187872609201_nI woke up this morning and laid in bed. I couldn’t for the life of me think of a reason to get out of bed(Giraffe finally got me up, long story). I have nothing to look forward to, all I do is work. I can’t have a normal conversation because all there is is work and my kids. Work and kids are great but it doesn’t maintain a long conversation or in-depth except if I get on my soapbox about work or kids. Would you want to sit down with that? I wouldn’t.

This week has been so hard. I had to testify for hours and a mom lost her two kids, she’s lost 4 altogether. It was the right decision but it will never ever feel good. In the long run I will focus back to the kids, they are never out of my thoughts, but as a mom you can’t help but put yourself in that position and honestly I can’t I can only imagine how that must feel. Parents love their kids, they just don’t always do it right.

Busy week to look forward to I guess. Almost every day and night is booked. Mostly work stuff 🙂  Some good training to look forward to…for work. Where does a single woman go to meet people all alone. Yes there is church but I don’t find that to be a great place for match making. It doesn’t help that most of the time I have absolutely no interest in relationships. I just need a companion to call to do things with, I do not want any kind of serious thing. It holds absolutely no interest to me. I did something stupid and I know I did what I did because of my serious lack of self worth or not to hurt someones feelings – this would be the second time in a year.

I got so angry with myself, which is  good thing. I’m so not happy with my body, and there is only 2 things I can do. Exercise and eat right. Trying yet again. Always after trial I am full of the urge to control things like exercise, food, house.

Food Musings: Short grain brown rice…cook it long enough and it’s like custard. Why do I buy walnuts their taste is obnoxious, or at least the ones from the grocery store. Pecans are the way to go. To me pecans taste like maple syrup.

That is all, have a wonderful day!

Why Get Out of Bed
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