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Why Does Christmas Suck So Bad or Make Me Feel So Sad

maxresdefaultI want to like Christmas but I can’t. Christmas depresses me. Why? I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s not the people missing from my life, it’s not being single with no prospects…ever, it’s not missing friends who have other things to do. What is it? Money! When you have children you want to shower them with things they want AND need. When you have no money you cannot do that, it’s very disheartening and fills me with a sense off shame. Yes Yes I know Christmas isn’t about giving gifts, wrong, that is what it is for our children and yes my children are both quite a bit older but they are my children. Sure we could teach them to only expect one or two but I don’t want to. I want to be that mom that can go all out and make it great. I didn’t even decorate the house with all my little Christmas things, why bother?  I know shame on me. 

I’m sad and depressed. I want so much more for my children. I found out yesterday, I make, or don’t make enough,  that I actually qualify for welfare. I’ll admit it. That also doesn’t help. My career choice I would not change. I cannot make anymore than I do because we cannot afford it at our center, that is the plain truth. I’ve lost my joy though, I feel like all there are are brick walls and no lifelines. My house is literally falling apart and I can do absolutely nothing about it, I’m sure my neighbors must hate me.

I need to pull it together and put on my big girl panties. This too shall pass….well it won’t pass but I will have to just get over it. It’s difficult, I’m one of those people that wants to fix everything, to do good for all, to make a difference that sets me up for a fall every day. I cannot donate anymore of my time but I need to use the time I have to work on me, to make myself the project that I fix and do good for. Sigh. Oh great now I’m thinking about New Years Resolutions….I’m going back to bed and covering my head with the covers, do not wake until Spring!

But seriously I know a LOT of people are depressed this time of year for so many reasons. You are not alone, please don’t ever think you are, call me, text me, private message me, we can talk each other down.

Why Does Christmas Suck So Bad or Make Me Feel So Sad

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Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac)

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I vegged on movies, none were bad, some were better than others and some I just deleted within minutes of starting. One of the movies, Prozac Nation, caught me by surprise. It said it was about depression in the synopsis, but I think it was way more than that. Lots of it i recognize in myself. One of the things that rocked me a wee bit is the lead characters conversation about wanting to be normal, to feel what normal feels like without just faking it. This is something I have an issue with. Sometimes I’ll be busy in my life and then every now and then something will happen and I’ll think wow this is what normal feels like-I rarely feel normal or enjoy experiences as normal. I wonder how many feel the same way. My good days are marked by doing things or experiencing things that feel “normal”. Many days go by before I have one of those normal experiences. I wish I had more. The end of the movie quoted a huge number of people now taking Prozac or some other medication for depression, my first thought is, is that bad? If we are medicated and it helps I have no problem with that, I cannot imagine what my life would be without meds. I understand the point was more too many people are being medicated rather than treated. I applaud those brave enough to come forward and say I need help. I boo those who counter with, everyone has a bad day, suck it up, as if that were all it was. That’s my depressing post of the day. I do continue to keep a gratitude jar – every day I put something in that I am grateful for the day before.

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