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Pick Your Point

Hello! Yes, I’m still alive out here in crazy town. I think of you often I just don’t seem to have a whole lot of time anymore, I probably actually do but I spend it just not doing work but relaxing and doing mundane things that make me happy.

Today I watched a TedTalk, isn’t that always the case, and it made me think. Here is the link for it,

I listened and at some point, I randomly pulled up a memory, a memory I know changed me forever. There were a bunch in my childhood but this one came a wee bit later. I was probably 19 or so. My car had broken down, I called a recent ex, who was my first love in high school, I had a tumultuous relationship with, first love, drugs (him not me), and everything that come with first love and addiction. Wow, that was a long sentence and not structured well. Anyway, back to the broken down car call, I called my ex because I needed to get to work and of course, I wanted him to just see me and say “come back to me”, you know those dreams we have. So he picks me up and drives me to work. I cannot remember what the conversation was outside my work but what I do remember was the last thing he said to me, “I just don’t love you anymore”. It rocked me like nothing ever has, and there has been a lot. The realization that love could be turned off so easily, it can’t but for me, it made me always think that, that at any moment someone can decide you just don’t matter anymore. It changed me, it made me always worry always want to please, always preparing for the inevitable exit of someone I cared for. I was broken, something inside me no longer had that confidence I had before because you can turn love off.

That one little moment has forever made me the person I am. Having that realization has helped in the few minutes I’ve had to take it in. I now have to figure out what to do with that, how to make it not define me anymore. Self-confidence is something I do not seem to have in great supply. Many know this, some think just the opposite-I fake it well. Now the question is what do I do with this knowledge how do I sit with it, council myself, realize that that is not how love works, not real love. It fades, it changes but it doesn’t turn off like a switch. When love dies it isn’t unexpected, it can’t be. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t good enough, it means it’s time to move on, to free yourself of something that no longer serves you or the other person. It is a gift to set someone free from the struggle to hold onto something that cannot be held.

I digress. I need to work on self-confidence, to know my self-worth comes from me, I need to change the story. How? I guess that is the part I struggle with. All of it can be changed, I have to believe this, just the method alludes me. Your thoughts? Ideas?

Pick Your Point

Why Get Out of Bed

10931303_10153036425538630_4992521187872609201_nI woke up this morning and laid in bed. I couldn’t for the life of me think of a reason to get out of bed(Giraffe finally got me up, long story). I have nothing to look forward to, all I do is work. I can’t have a normal conversation because all there is is work and my kids. Work and kids are great but it doesn’t maintain a long conversation or in-depth except if I get on my soapbox about work or kids. Would you want to sit down with that? I wouldn’t.

This week has been so hard. I had to testify for hours and a mom lost her two kids, she’s lost 4 altogether. It was the right decision but it will never ever feel good. In the long run I will focus back to the kids, they are never out of my thoughts, but as a mom you can’t help but put yourself in that position and honestly I can’t I can only imagine how that must feel. Parents love their kids, they just don’t always do it right.

Busy week to look forward to I guess. Almost every day and night is booked. Mostly work stuff 🙂  Some good training to look forward to…for work. Where does a single woman go to meet people all alone. Yes there is church but I don’t find that to be a great place for match making. It doesn’t help that most of the time I have absolutely no interest in relationships. I just need a companion to call to do things with, I do not want any kind of serious thing. It holds absolutely no interest to me. I did something stupid and I know I did what I did because of my serious lack of self worth or not to hurt someones feelings – this would be the second time in a year.

I got so angry with myself, which is  good thing. I’m so not happy with my body, and there is only 2 things I can do. Exercise and eat right. Trying yet again. Always after trial I am full of the urge to control things like exercise, food, house.

Food Musings: Short grain brown rice…cook it long enough and it’s like custard. Why do I buy walnuts their taste is obnoxious, or at least the ones from the grocery store. Pecans are the way to go. To me pecans taste like maple syrup.

That is all, have a wonderful day!

Why Get Out of Bed
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