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Pick Your Point

Hello! Yes, I’m still alive out here in crazy town. I think of you often I just don’t seem to have a whole lot of time anymore, I probably actually do but I spend it just not doing work but relaxing and doing mundane things that make me happy.

Today I watched a TedTalk, isn’t that always the case, and it made me think. Here is the link for it,

I listened and at some point, I randomly pulled up a memory, a memory I know changed me forever. There were a bunch in my childhood but this one came a wee bit later. I was probably 19 or so. My car had broken down, I called a recent ex, who was my first love in high school, I had a tumultuous relationship with, first love, drugs (him not me), and everything that come with first love and addiction. Wow, that was a long sentence and not structured well. Anyway, back to the broken down car call, I called my ex because I needed to get to work and of course, I wanted him to just see me and say “come back to me”, you know those dreams we have. So he picks me up and drives me to work. I cannot remember what the conversation was outside my work but what I do remember was the last thing he said to me, “I just don’t love you anymore”. It rocked me like nothing ever has, and there has been a lot. The realization that love could be turned off so easily, it can’t but for me, it made me always think that, that at any moment someone can decide you just don’t matter anymore. It changed me, it made me always worry always want to please, always preparing for the inevitable exit of someone I cared for. I was broken, something inside me no longer had that confidence I had before because you can turn love off.

That one little moment has forever made me the person I am. Having that realization has helped in the few minutes I’ve had to take it in. I now have to figure out what to do with that, how to make it not define me anymore. Self-confidence is something I do not seem to have in great supply. Many know this, some think just the opposite-I fake it well. Now the question is what do I do with this knowledge how do I sit with it, council myself, realize that that is not how love works, not real love. It fades, it changes but it doesn’t turn off like a switch. When love dies it isn’t unexpected, it can’t be. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t good enough, it means it’s time to move on, to free yourself of something that no longer serves you or the other person. It is a gift to set someone free from the struggle to hold onto something that cannot be held.

I digress. I need to work on self-confidence, to know my self-worth comes from me, I need to change the story. How? I guess that is the part I struggle with. All of it can be changed, I have to believe this, just the method alludes me. Your thoughts? Ideas?

Pick Your Point

A Letter to You

Hey,¬† I know you. This letter is for you, the lady over 45 wishing she could look at least a little like she used to. You need to lose weight, and you’ve tried. Diets, you finally know, don’t work, and nothing is going to work without the dreaded exercise. So you’ve half heartily started a program of some kind of exercise more than once, but your body betrays you or something comes up or you’re suddenly to busy to spend a half hour exercising.

See I know you and here’s what else I know, you go out to places the mall, restaurants etc. and you see the younger women. They look fit, can show their bellies without shame and you remember when you looked like that, maybe a long time ago, and when you did look like that, you didn’t appreciate it. It just was how you were or you saw yourself as overweight and not good enough.

Now you need to work on everything just to maintain. It really does suck to get old BUT it’s also a place you’ve earned. You’ve lived through, drama, and tears, joy and fear. Every wrinkle you have is well earned and should be worn with pride. But there’s the little issue of your body.

You’re body needs some attention. Some attention you and it deserve. You know what? It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not always going to be fun. But if you decide, and that’s important, you have to be ready. You have decided the time is yours, you are worth it, you have to decide sweat is not a bad thing, you have to decide sore muscles are also a badge of honor. You deserve this.

Your body will respond, it will take time and no one will probably notice for awhile, which I believe is why we stop too soon. If you can’t see the results right away it’s not working, wrong! Feel the results, feel how great you feel when you are done challenging yourself with a workout – if you don’t feel a sense of accomplishment-find something else. There are millions of workouts to do, dance, pilates, weight training, running, I’ve even seen a work out based on using Star Wars light sabers. There is something for you. Some bad news you have to get your heart pumping and you have to sweat and you have to hurt. You have to do cardio and you need to do strength training-at your age both are vital.

Women I’m afraid seem to lose weight from the bottom up and the top down – and guess what most of our weight is in the middle so be patient. Love yourself, know you are doing something wonderful for you. When you don’t want to do it, do it anyway when you done you’ll feel even better. Hydrate, eat right, laugh and love.

I know you, you are me. Love you my friend.

A Letter to You
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